The Act of Falling

It’s easy to fall. It starts slow, with a slip or a misstep, and then a stumble, and I try to catch myself but I lose my footing and the ground crumbles out from under me and I’m falling. It comes to the point when I don’t recognize myself in the mirror anymore. My actions and words are foreign and I watch as I spiral further down, trying desperately not to lose control, but the more I fight back, the more tangled I become, and I’m caught, running like a fool in a maze with no end.

It’s easy to fall, and once falling, it’s hard to stop. It’s hard to climb and scratch and claw my way back to the surface and I don’t want to, until I’m sitting at the bottom of a hole I dug myself into looking up at what once was but isn’t anymore. I realize I like falling. I like the feeling of recklessness and impulsive decisions, until I see my reflection in the eyes of a friend, or a family member, or a kind stranger, and what I see is not me.

It’s easy to fall, it’s the impact that hurts the most. The moment when I hit the bottom, when I look around and see the mess I’ve made and the people I’ve dislodged and brought crashing down with me as I haphazardly grabbed at anything that I thought would make the landing more bearable. But the landing was not more bearable and I realize I can’t fall anymore, but I’ve said that before and I’ll say it again, and I falter and hesitate as I pick myself up off the ground watching the sunrise as it sheds new light on my existence and in this instant, all is right in the world.


In response to the Daily Post’s Prompt: Easy Fix.

Apple Sauce Bread

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This recipe for apple sauce bread is super easy and delicious. I know, apple sauce bread? Sounds a little odd, but I promise the apple sauce just adds a little extra moisture to the bread giving it a soft, cake like texture. It pairs great with some after dinner tea or coffee and never last long in my house. Feel free to experiment with the ingredients. The chocolate chips and pecans can easily be substituted for other mix ins if you prefer.IMG_3592

This recipe makes 1 large loaf or you can split the batter between two mini 5 1/2″ x 3″ loaf pans like I’ve done. I line my loaf pans with parchment paper leaving a little extra to hang off the edges so that I can easily pull out the loafs once they’re baked.

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Apple Sauce Bread (makes 1 loaf)

you will need:

  • 1 cup all purpose flour
  • 1/2 cup bran flakes
  • 3/4 cup sugar
  • 1 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon
  • 1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
  • 2 eggs
  • 1/4 cup cooking oil
  • 1/2 cup chunky apple sauce
  • 1 mashed banana
  • 1/2 cup pecans
  • 1/2 cup chocolate chips

Directions:

Preheat the over to 350° and grease an 8″x4″ loaf pan.

Combine flour, bran flakes, sugar, baking powder, cinnamon, and nutmeg in a medium bowl.

Beat egg until frothy in a small bowl. then stir in oil, apple sauce and banana.

Pour wet ingredients over dry ingredients and stir. Mixture should be thick and lumpy.

Gently stir pecans and chocolate chips into the batter. Don’t over mix.

Pour batter into the pan and cook for 40-50 min. The bread is done when a toothpick inserted into the center comes out with a few moist crumbs clinging to it.

Cool before slicing.

Enjoy!

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A Man in a Hat

Pleased to Meet You: Write a post in which the protagonists of two different books or movies meet for the first time. How do they react to each other? Do they get along?


Dear friend,

My cheeks are red from being outside but I’m not outside anymore and I’m not sure when I came in. I’m sitting in the corner of the room watching things move. Everything moves slow, so slow it disappears. I can’t keep track of them anymore. A man in a hat was sitting with me but then he wasn’t and now he is again. I don’t look at him just in case he’s not really there. I’m afraid he’s not really there.

“Are you Alice?”, the man in the hat asks. It’s funny that he would ask that because Alice is a girl’s name and I’m not a girl.

“No, I’m Charlie. You’re not real, the dragon outside wasn’t real either. Am I going mad?”

“We’re all mad here, Alice.”, the man in the hat says smiling. Then he disappears and I’m walking now but I don’t remember getting up. I remember not wanting to be in the house anymore with Sam and Craig and Patrick and Brad in the other rooms, and the walls were too thin so I left but it’s cold outside.

I wonder where the man in the hat went.

Love always,
Charlie

 


Characters are Charlie from the Perks of Being a Wallflower and the Mad Hatter from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. Loosely based on the scene in the Perks of Being a Wallflower in which Charlie is given something that causes him to hallucinate.

 

Versatile Blogger Award

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Thank you so much Into the Forgotten for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger Award! I love your blog and am honored that you chose to nominate me! Thank You!!

Okay so here are the rules:

  • Show the award on your blog.
  • Thank the person who nominated you.
  • Share 7 facts about yourself.
  • Nominate 15 blogs.
  • Link your nominees’ blogs and let them know.

Facts about me:

  1. When I’m stressed, I like to bind books. Because of this hobby all my friends get handmade sketchbooks or notebooks as gifts.
  2. Alice in Wonderland is my favorite book and I collect copies of it from used book stores.
  3. I’ve been a vegetarian since middle school. I stopped eating meat on a dare and continued to be a vegetarian after the dare was over.
  4. My top three bucket list items are to go sky diving, learn to fly a plane, and hike the Appalachian Trail.
  5. When I was younger, I was scared of people to the point where I would only watch animated films because I was scared of the actors and actresses in movies.
  6. I love watching sad films but I always cry in the happy parts instead of the sad parts. I have no idea why this is.
  7. I had a lot of trouble coming up with this list because I don’t think I’m a very interesting person.

My nominees, in no particular order:
The following nominees are my all time favorite blogs. They are inspirational, funny, talented, etc. and I always enjoy seeing what they post.

Drawing the Street
Science, Books and Silly Things
In Pursuit of Contentment
Lydia Ravenhall Photography Blog
Jpabloz
Huevos Fritos
Thirsty for Travel
Janes Patisserie
Allychat’s Blog
The Loving Llama
An Insight into Interactive Art
Sue Clancy
V.Clean
Loaf Story
Just Another Impurity

An Isolated Eternity

She looked at him. She stared for an isolated eternity squeezed into a fleeting moment until he met her gaze and she looked away, breaking the eternity and resuming a dull reality.

He was everything to her, and that was frightening. To trust, so freely, another human being was maddening when she knew the ending to every story lay in abandonment, in heartache, in pain, in solitude. She had experienced it. She had felt the sting of misplaced trust, but for now she pushed those feelings aside into the dark most corners of her mind.

For now, she was infatuated with a boy. A boy who made her laugh until she couldn’t breath, who made her cry because she knew he would leave. A boy whose words crept into every corner of her mind and drove her mad. A boy whose flaws shaped and molded a new definition of perfection in her eyes. And to her, he was a sunrise, promising to shed a new light onto her existence. The light that would keep her afloat until the nightfall when she would be plunged back into darkness darker than anything she could remember from before he came into her world.

She memorized the movement of his hands when he talked and the freckles that dotted his face. She knew his crooked smile and the color of his eyes. She knew him, and she was caught. Caught in his game of cruel consideration that threatened to sweep over her like a wave and pull her under and as he glanced away from her, she looked back at him.


In response to the Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Connect the Dots“.

Open your nearest book to page 82. Take the third full sentence on the page, and work it into a post somehow.

In Bright Lights Live Dark Minds

In these bright lights live darkened minds,
They leave their black flowers behind.
Protruding ribs meet collar bones,
Storm clouds reside inside my lungs.

Paper cheeks and cold stone eyes,
The telltale signs we cannot hide.
The boys whose names have been left out,
The lies that fell from open mouths.

Spider webs like battle scars,
Shoot loving daggers through the heart.
Beauty takes a leap of faith,
In hopeless search for fresh escape.

I am drawn to that which seems,
Will be the certain death of me.

Hannah Haynes

Healthy Breakfast Smoothie

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This smoothie is so delicious, it’s super easy to make, and it’s healthy! It’s a staple in my home and definitely a crowd pleaser. It’s an easy breakfast on the go and this recipe is very forgiving to substituting ingredients.

General smoothie tips:

  • Don’t use ice. Ice ends up diluting your smoothies and you lose a lot of potential flavor. Instead of ice, try using frozen fruit or make flavored ice cubes. Some liquids that make great flavored ice are coconut water, almond milk, or green tea.
  • Use natural sweeteners. Leave out products containing cane sugar, food dye, and corn syrup. If you’re really craving a sweet smoothie try adding some agave nectar, dates, or maple syrup.
  • Avoid chunky smoothies. To make the smoothest smoothie possible, put in the harder ingredients like frozen fruits and nuts in first, followed by softer ingredients like fresh fruits and vegetables. Powders should go in next so that they won’t get trapped under the blades of the blender followed by liquids last to avoid excess splashing.
  • Extra health boosts. If you want to add a little extra health bonus to your smoothie, try adding one of the following ingredients: acai berries, camu berries, chia seeds, flaxseeds, goji berries, mulberries, pomegranate, or my favorite maqui berries.
  • Add some green. Adding in a few greens to your smoothie will boost its health benefits and the great thing is that they won’t change the smoothie’s taste. Spinach, kale, or romaine are great additions to a smoothie.

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Healthy Breakfast Smoothie (serves 2)

Nutrition info per serving:  260 calories, 4.5 g fat, 47 g carbohydrate, 9 g protein

You’ll Need:

  • 1 cup of vanilla almond milk
  • 1 tablespoon of maqui berry powder
  • 3 cups of frozen berries (I use blueberries and raspberries but any berry will work)
  • 1/2 cup of plain greek non fat yogurt
  • 4 tablespoons raw sliced almonds
  • 3 cups of spinach
  • agave nectar (to sweeten)

Put all your ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth. Sweeten with agave nectar and serve immediately. For a thinner smoothie you can add more almond milk. For a thicker smoothie you can use frozen bananas. Experiment a bit and see what works best for you. You can easily make a single serving by cutting the ingredients in half.

Enjoy!

Come Undone

i lose myself in pain, and discomfort, and the seconds right before i fall when time stands still. i lose myself in the moments when i’m at the edge looking down and nothing is standing between me and the exit, when my knees shudder and my stomach lurches and i feel my mind go numb and in these moments i come undone.

i find myself in the pockets of calm, in the moment after the chaos, when i’ve stood right at the edge and not gone over. i find myself in the light after the storm when the pressure subsides and everything is cast with a new shade of gold. i find myself in the emotions that wash away the numbness, in the beauty i see when the anxiety dies down, in the promise of tomorrow and the day after that. i find myself in the forsaken footsteps i left behind when i  ran from the future, and in the forgotten memories and faded words and in these moments i come undone.


side note: recently i’ve been listening to adam barnes obsessively on repeat. i love his music and was inspired by his song “come undone” to write this post about what coming undone means to me.

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Healthy Advice From a Foodie

non-fat greek yogurt with honey, granola, and berries

non-fat greek yogurt with honey, granola, and berries

i love food. i connect deeply with the new weight watchers commercial which states the solution to any mood problem is to have a snack. i really do try to stay as healthy as i can but there’s no escaping the fact; i love my food. i was the girl who grew up reading cookbooks instead of fairy tales. i’m not joking, i used to ask my mother to read me a recipe before going to bed instead of a story. so it made sense that at a young age, i started cooking. even to this day, i still have a fascination over food but because of my recent loss of my childhood metabolism, i’ve had to readjust my habits.

here are a few of my favorite tricks to staying more or less healthy despite lacking any form of self-control when it comes to eating.

  1. if you don’t buy it, you won’t eat it. this is probably the most important step to eating healthier and the one i struggle with the most, but if you’re anything like me and can’t resist snacking at random times in the day, keeping your kitchen junk food free is a good first step to healthier eating. if you find yourself too tempted to buy junk food in the store, try shopping with a grocery list. if you’re shopping for specific items that you need, you’ll be less likely to indulge on the unneeded items that you want.
  2. rethink your snacks. instead of munching on a bag of chips try getting in the habit of snacking on vegetables. one of my favorite snacks is frozen peas. i know it sounds strange but they’re oddly satisfying. if this doesn’t appeal to you, try some of the more typical snacks like carrots or celery with a bit of peanut butter or hummus.
  3. know what’s in your food. with all the processed food and prepared meals in food markets today it can be hard to know what’s actually going into your body. buying organic food is great but can get expensive. another way to know what’s in your food is to simply make it yourself. by doing this you can make small changes to recipes by substituting in healthier options.
  4. use a small plate. it’s a small change but by using a smaller plate, you’ll be able to avoid accidentally eating oversized portions and you’ll naturally start eating less.
  5. drink water. try to avoid drinking your calories through sodas and juices. if you get bored with plain water try flavored sparkling water or tea.

growing up i really didn’t see the benefits of a healthy lifestyle but now i look back in horror at some of the meals i would eat as a kid. maintaining healthy eating habits has not only improved my health but has also improved my mentality. i’m able to do more than i was ever able to do before. leading a healthier life style has definitely been rewarding for me and i hope you will find it rewarding as well.

good luck!

Who Am I?

i am a messy collection of emotions and thoughts and memories, a perfectionist looking for a sort of perfection that does not exist, a designer in constant search for inspiration and beauty, a friend, a daughter, a girl in search of identity.

i am a small town girl (more like middle of no where girl). i am surrounded by trees and long winding roads connecting homes and people and friends. i am not an artist, although i make art, i am not a cook, although i make food, and i am not a musician, although i make music. i am a risk taker and an adventure seeker. i am looking for something new, something bigger, something extraordinary that might or might not exist.

i am trying to find myself, through writing and reading, through meeting new people and seeing new places, through putting myself out there and through being true to myself.

i am me.