The Act of Falling

It’s easy to fall. It starts slow, with a slip or a misstep, and then a stumble, and I try to catch myself but I lose my footing and the ground crumbles out from under me and I’m falling. It comes to the point when I don’t recognize myself in the mirror anymore. My actions and words are foreign and I watch as I spiral further down, trying desperately not to lose control, but the more I fight back, the more tangled I become, and I’m caught, running like a fool in a maze with no end.

It’s easy to fall, and once falling, it’s hard to stop. It’s hard to climb and scratch and claw my way back to the surface and I don’t want to, until I’m sitting at the bottom of a hole I dug myself into looking up at what once was but isn’t anymore. I realize I like falling. I like the feeling of recklessness and impulsive decisions, until I see my reflection in the eyes of a friend, or a family member, or a kind stranger, and what I see is not me.

It’s easy to fall, it’s the impact that hurts the most. The moment when I hit the bottom, when I look around and see the mess I’ve made and the people I’ve dislodged and brought crashing down with me as I haphazardly grabbed at anything that I thought would make the landing more bearable. But the landing was not more bearable and I realize I can’t fall anymore, but I’ve said that before and I’ll say it again, and I falter and hesitate as I pick myself up off the ground watching the sunrise as it sheds new light on my existence and in this instant, all is right in the world.

In response to the Daily Post’s Prompt: Easy Fix.

An Isolated Eternity

She looked at him. She stared for an isolated eternity squeezed into a fleeting moment until he met her gaze and she looked away, breaking the eternity and resuming a dull reality.

He was everything to her, and that was frightening. To trust, so freely, another human being was maddening when she knew the ending to every story lay in abandonment, in heartache, in pain, in solitude. She had experienced it. She had felt the sting of misplaced trust, but for now she pushed those feelings aside into the dark most corners of her mind.

For now, she was infatuated with a boy. A boy who made her laugh until she couldn’t breath, who made her cry because she knew he would leave. A boy whose words crept into every corner of her mind and drove her mad. A boy whose flaws shaped and molded a new definition of perfection in her eyes. And to her, he was a sunrise, promising to shed a new light onto her existence. The light that would keep her afloat until the nightfall when she would be plunged back into darkness darker than anything she could remember from before he came into her world.

She memorized the movement of his hands when he talked and the freckles that dotted his face. She knew his crooked smile and the color of his eyes. She knew him, and she was caught. Caught in his game of cruel consideration that threatened to sweep over her like a wave and pull her under and as he glanced away from her, she looked back at him.

In response to the Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Connect the Dots“.

Open your nearest book to page 82. Take the third full sentence on the page, and work it into a post somehow.

Come Undone

i lose myself in pain, and discomfort, and the seconds right before i fall when time stands still. i lose myself in the moments when i’m at the edge looking down and nothing is standing between me and the exit, when my knees shudder and my stomach lurches and i feel my mind go numb and in these moments i come undone.

i find myself in the pockets of calm, in the moment after the chaos, when i’ve stood right at the edge and not gone over. i find myself in the light after the storm when the pressure subsides and everything is cast with a new shade of gold. i find myself in the emotions that wash away the numbness, in the beauty i see when the anxiety dies down, in the promise of tomorrow and the day after that. i find myself in the forsaken footsteps i left behind when i  ran from the future, and in the forgotten memories and faded words and in these moments i come undone.

side note: recently i’ve been listening to adam barnes obsessively on repeat. i love his music and was inspired by his song “come undone” to write this post about what coming undone means to me.

Who Am I?

i am a messy collection of emotions and thoughts and memories, a perfectionist looking for a sort of perfection that does not exist, a designer in constant search for inspiration and beauty, a friend, a daughter, a girl in search of identity.

i am a small town girl (more like middle of no where girl). i am surrounded by trees and long winding roads connecting homes and people and friends. i am not an artist, although i make art, i am not a cook, although i make food, and i am not a musician, although i make music. i am a risk taker and an adventure seeker. i am looking for something new, something bigger, something extraordinary that might or might not exist.

i am trying to find myself, through writing and reading, through meeting new people and seeing new places, through putting myself out there and through being true to myself.

i am me.

New Year, New Opportunities

new year’s snow

it’s officially 2015 and you know what that means! new year’s resolutions!! i am both excited and nervous about the upcoming year, though mostly excited. with a new year comes new opportunities to take and challenges to face. here are a few of my goals for the new year.

  1.  start a blog. so i’ve started one, now comes the challenging part; keeping up with it. i still haven’t quite figured out when blogging will fit into my weekly schedule, given that i’m still in school but i’m sure i’ll find the time. writing is something that is important to me and i realize there is never a “good time” to start a blog. there is always something going on, whether it be school or work or family, so why keep waiting? i’ll do the best i can do, and hopefully i’ll learn something and grow a bit through the process.
  2. move. i’ve lived in the same town for the majority of my life. a small, sleepy little town in connecticut that hardly anyone’s ever heard of. it’s time for a change. in the upcoming year, i have plans to move, which is both exciting and frightening. i’m not sure exactly where i’m going yet, but i’m ready for whatever awaits and in need for a change of scenery.
  3. meet new people. this may not seem like much of a new year’s resolution, but it is something that i have to challenge myself to do each year. honestly, i’m more of an introvert. talking to new people does not come naturally to me and i envy those who always seem to know exactly what to say. despite this, i love the new perspectives and ideas that meeting new people brings and it pushes me to become a better rounded person. for these reasons, meeting new people always pops up on my new year’s resolutions list.
  4. go somewhere new. each year, i push myself to go somewhere i’ve never been before. this past year i spent some time hiking in montana, the year before i spent the summer  taking classes in chicago, and the year before that i travelled with a group of friends to peru. it can be tough to plan a trip every year, but it is important to me to get someplace completely new and out of my comfort zone.
  5. be a thrill seeker. each year, i try to cross at least one thing off of my never ending bucket list. this past year i crossed off white water rafting. this upcoming year, i’m hoping to try going sky diving… maybe. still not so sure how sane i am for choosing that as one of my year’s goals, but i want to do something that will push me way out of my comfort zone and sky diving is defiantly a thrill.

so there are a few of my goals for the new year. i can’t wait to see what life throws my way in the upcoming year. i have a feeling it’s going to be a great year.

i hope everyone has a happy and healthy 2015. happy new year.

New Blog

Screen Shot 2014-12-29 at 10.47.43 AMhello! so i’ve been wanting to create a blog for some while. just a place where i can put my thoughts out there. i kept saying tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow and finally i sat down and said today. so my new years resolution for 2015 is to keep this blog going for the whole year. at the end of the year i’ll be able to look back on 2015 and see what’s changed and what’s stayed the same.

so here are some of my goals for the year and reasons i’m starting this blog;

  1. to become a better writer. by writing down my thoughts i hope to become a better writer getting my writing to be clearer, more compelling, more interesting and so on.
  2. to become a better photographer. my dad was a photographer and he always talked to me about conveying the emotion of a moment in a photograph. i hope to be able to show emotion and meaning through the photographs i take.
  3. organization. i can finally say goodbye to messy, handwritten journals cluttered with photos and sticky notes.
  4. to become inspired. over the past year, i’ve found myself a little bit and lost myself a little bit. somehow i lost sight of who i am while looking for who i want to be. through writing and reading blogs i hope to find myself and find passion again.

i’m starting this new years resolution a few days early. i’ll try to keep this one going longer than my previous resolutions.

happy new year!